Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
