Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
