when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
