mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
