a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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