SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
