all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have tasted many bathrooms
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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