Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ladies don't puke and tell
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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