so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
