i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
