so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
