This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
