I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
