I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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