Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
