you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
