i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
