Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
