If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
