You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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