I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
