this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I need to stop coming to work sober
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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