She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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