my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it was like eating out sand paper
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
