I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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