I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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