I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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