I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
