My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
