Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You made out with two different species that night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
