Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
