If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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