It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
