he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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