at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's official drugs can't kill me
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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