Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
