I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
