Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
