you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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