so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
