so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
