the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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