I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
