i'm signing you up for texting rehab
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
