If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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