The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
