I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
