i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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