he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
