I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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