Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
