well I can't set my house on fire every night
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
