Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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