A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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